answerJam

Anyone There...?

3 comments

Posted November 10th, 2009 by Mo Blint

I feel totally and utterly alone.
I feel like I'm the only one who feels the way I do in this dinky little place. I know I'm not the only bisexual person in the city, but it's hard to tell in this dinky city. Especially when you don't get out of the house for anything much other than work. It's so hard for me to meet people even at that. It's especially hard to meet someone that would not make me feel so alone.
Though, that's not the real main reason I feel so alone. As I know that there are plenty of people of other sexualities, I feel like the only one that isn't comfortable in my own skin. Or, rather, my own gender. I hate my body and all its curves and bumps. I wish my chest was flat as a board. I've wished that longer than before I realized I was truly unhappy with my gender. I guess that should have been a clue. I got my first paycheck Friday and went to the mall. I spent most of it on books, but what I really wanted was the suits and other mens clothing hanging the the windows of the other stores. I didn't get any of it, because I was afraid of the questions that would arise from my family. Well, I did get a tie, but they're used to that. I don't really have any shirts to wear them with right now.
I have yet to meet/see anyone in town that feels the same way, albeit it wouldn't be as obvious. But still, it doesn't make me feel any better. I wish I had someone to talk to. I can't seem to reach anyone that could possibly make me feel any better. One person's not online. Another hasn't texted me back... /sigh/
Talking to my family is completely out of the question. Just once would I like to feel I didn't have to sneak around my family, to feel like I wouldn't be persecuted for just being me. I guess I'll wish for that with my birthday wish... There's a part of me that just wants to walk out of this room and claim it proudly, just so I could get it off my chest. I know that would only end in disaster.
Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better if I had both parents in my life. That's another thing that has come up from the recesses of my mind recently to make me feel even more abandoned. I just wish that my father would acknowledge me in some way, even just to say he loathed me (even though that would completely shatter me). I just want him to know that I care about him, even if he doesn't.
My family's a bunch of hypocrites, the lot of them. I thought it would be cool to work with them. I'd have someone I could talk to. ...Only I forgot that I can't talk to them on a regular basis without getting aggravated or sad. So, now I'm frustrated at work, because I'll feel bad if I don't sit with them during breaks and lunch. I'm so sick of hearing them bitch and complain about their co-workers. They say they aren't very friendly, but they aren't very friendly themselves. They don't exactly give off the vibe of "Hi, come sit with us!". People would probably be more friendly to them if you just tried. But no, you can sit there and be miserable for all I care. They don't even go into the break room unless they have to. They can't even take a joke, and they hold on to grudges forever! Love thy neighbor my ass. I'll see them in Hell.

Heh, I know this is tl;dr, but I don't care.